2. Let Go Hold On Let Go

My husband and I eat, sleep and breathe climbing. Sometimes if the forecast looks good, we’ll pack the car on a Thursday night after work and drive down to the Red after calling in sick for Friday. We stop in Cincinnati and sleep in a rest stop when he gets tired, then continue in the morning straight to the crag. 

This trip he’s working Table of Colors, I’m working Infectious. Infectious is hard, for me. I’m used to vertical routes - crimps with bad feet; although Infectious is far from overhanging by the Red’s standards, if feels bouldery and steep to me. I dig my fingers into the pockets so hard I wear away at the skin around my knuckles – I’m bleeding through the tape but I don’t care. I want to send. I started trying this in the Fall and came close…the more I get denied the more I want it. The more the route tells me no you can’t, the more my back gets up and my defiance builds. I’m gonna try again. And again after that if I have to. I just want to fucking send.  

Finally on my third go of the day, I send. I don’t know if happy is the word to describe how I feel. Relieved, triumphant, satisfied…and already as I’m lowering I’m thinking of what to get on next. I’m 30.


I love these kinds of trips with him, I love climbing with him - he’s my best friend. We cheer for each other, we joke around in goofy ways and sweet ways. We talk about beta over dinner and in car rides home, we share what we saw the other do well and make suggestions for what to try next time. We’re a team and we always will be. 


A month prior we do a trip to Potrero Chico, Mexico for two weeks. It’s our first trip here and although to some degree I’m battling fear nearly every time I tie in, it’s so fun being in a new place. The sun in February feels amazing on my skin, the climbing for the most part is my style and there’s a stray cat at one of the crags who loves pets and snuggles. 

My husband is trying a 13a that's steep with glassy feet at the start. The crux is mid-way up and has a clip he skips because it’s too hard to work into the sequence. His first redpoint burn he falls past the skipped clip – holy shit, I’m flying into the first draw as all 6'2 of him comes slamming down onto me. My hand jams up into the grigri, his butt hits my shoulder. It’s so violent and sudden. This is my first time experiencing anything like this. I lower him down and he asks if I’m ok. I’m shaking and I ask if he’s ok. He says yes. I don’t have any words for what I feel - this send is important to him. I’m ok, do what you have to do. 

A few days prior we tried a 12d called Psyclops. It’s kinda out of the way of the other crags. I really liked it, it looks cool and the moves are hard. I’m psyched to try it again. As we’re heading out today I ask if we can go back to it at some point. Meh, it's out of the way and the moves aren’t that great. Yeah, I guess I wouldn’t be able to send it on this trip, anyway.

A couple of days later he sends his route but at a cost – he’s thrown out his back. I help him roll out of bed and get his shoes on. Eventually it works itself out and hey, he got the send!


I’m at work and I call him on my lunch break. He doesn’t answer. I try again a few minutes later and he doesn’t answer. I know he has his phone on him. Why doesn’t he answer it? I feel a heat building in my chest, my face starts to feel hot. I’m not aware of this at the time, I just know I’m annoyed and frustrated. Answer the phone. Nothing’s happened at work, everything is fine it’s just…answer the phone. I don’t feel settled until I hear his voice, until I feel we’re connected again. I'm in my mid 20's to late 30's.

 

I don’t understand how this is true. This doesn’t make sense. Who are you? We’re supposed to be together, why won't you hear me? It’s me and you. I don’t want to be all alone again. What about our life? Who are you? Here is my heart speaking to your heart - please. I try to explain it this way and I try to say it that way and I hurt and I try, and I read books and watch videos and understand and I try try try and I have nothing left. I’m 41.

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