Titan by 40

My phone rings early on a weekday in 2018 and I glance at the number – it’s my parents. Ugh. I have to get ready for work and even if I didn’t I still wouldn’t answer it. I let it go to voice mail and finish my makeup. It rings again. For fuck’s sake. “Hello?” “Hi Sabby, it’s mom.” “Hi mom.” My voice falls into a special cadence reserved for her - guarded, irritated, polite. It’s a difficult dance trying to manage these all at once which explains why I always feel drained after I talk to her, no matter how brief our “conversations”.

“Sabby…” she says and starts crying. Right away, I know. Dad is 80, blind from glaucoma, high blood pressure, diabetes and I’m not sure what all else. I stay calm and ask her what happened. He collapsed in the middle of the night and is in a coma in the hospital. I talk some more with her, getting the details of what happened and what needs to be done. We hang up and I sit on the side of the bed, staring out the window. I pick up the phone again and call my husband, let him know what happened. He's reassuring, let’s me know he’s there for me. I don’t really remember the rest of the day; I go to work, let my manager know what happened and she's understanding and kind, tells me whatever I need to do she’s there to support me. I tell her I’ll need the next couple of days off but I’m fine for today, I have stuff that needs to get done. I’m 38.

 

Months prior, I get a call from a rep at MEC. Would I be interested in a sponsorship with them? Um, yeah. But why me? I’m suspicious. Am I being tokenized? There’s so many strong women out there, maybe that’s it. It still feels difficult to see myself in any other way, despite what I’ve accomplished in the 12 years I’ve been climbing. I don’t see all the training I’ve put in, before work and after work, running 4 days a week, no coach, all the reading, research and experimentation I’ve done to figure out what works best for me. I don’t remember all the meltdowns on the wall and picking myself back up, trying again and again. Climbing in small town Ontario and trying hard on my projects over and over. 

I do remember the backhanded compliments at the crag, the gym, the car rides home, the same small minds minimizing my sends by handing half the work to my husband who must’ve “figured out the beta for you”, “trained you” "you're lucky you have a partner who's so strong" never mind the “soft for the grade”, “it’s just crimpy”. All these remarks cut into a belief deep, deep inside that leaves me confused about what I'm doing wrong and fighting to stay tethered to what I know is true for me. 

In 2016 I’m contacted about being put on the cover of a new Ontario Guidebook, one that's long overdue. A group of climbers have decided to take matters into their own hands instead of waiting in perpetuity for a guidebook that’s being “worked on.” I’m psyched at the prospect of a new book but make it clear I don't want to be on the cover - I know the shit people will throw at me. I'm confused as to why he wants me on there, anyway. The author sells me on it by saying it’s important to see Ontario climbing represented beyond the status quo, to see the present and future of climbing. You got the first female ascent of a 13d in Ontario. Why shouldn’t you be on the cover? When I think of most of the climbing photos and videos I’ve seen and what would've helped me when I started out, it’s hard to argue with him.

So having gone through this process before, it’s a little bit easier to put the doubts and worries about what people will say aside and just be happy with the sponsorship. I can make it mean whatever I want and I’m psyched!

As an MEC ambassador, I get to do some cool shit. I write for their blog, do a trip to their head office in Vancouver, coach and present at the Banff Film Festival, get free stuff...it's surreal. The company rep is awesome – he’s respectful of me as a person. I make sure to maintain high standards for myself as their ambassador and don’t let what’s going on with dad get in the way of that. 

I’m in Hamilton at the hospital with big brother, my husband and my mother. Dad's in a coma, wires attached to him everywhere. He’s been intubated. He looks so small. I put my head on his chest, like I used to when I was little. 

This is the same dad I’d run to when he got home from work, who’d crouch down and pick me up, throw me in the air and catch me. Made me a bench for my keyboard and showed me how to fix things around the house because "girls should know how to do this". The only person I brought my drawings to when they were done. Who was so brave and strong travelling from a little island in the Indian Ocean all the way to Hamilton, Ontario. Working a blue collar job in the 70's and 80's, trying to build a life with everything against him. The same dad who beat me with his belt, his hands, his words and his bullshit. Who would drive to Oakville to help me move during college. Who was there for me and nowhere to be found again and again and again. Fuck.

It’s September of 2018 and I’m back on Titan. I’m getting close. For the most part I’ve maintained my training schedule and time on the route. My beta is clean, temps are cooling and the holds feel crispy. I need to send it. Please, just let me have this. My dream is to send it before I turn 40. I can do it, I just need everything to come together. Don’t be fucking weak, Sabrina. Don’t be useless. Try Sabrina, you can do it. Stay strong, one hold at time. Keep breathing, strong feet, core in, deep breaths. If I was stronger conditions wouldn’t matter, dad wouldn’t matter fuck try harder what the fuck is wrong with you? Over and over again and again and now my season is done and I’ll have to wait til next year. 

Titan top crux. Photo ShawnTron

Late October now and dad has passed. After the funeral people gather at a restaurant. I sit there watching them chat. I look down the table at mom. I look at the menu in my hands. This makes no sense. I don’t want to be here. I tell my husband I want to go climb. We get up and say our goodbyes, head to a gym in Burlington and boulder. It feels good to move and pull and crimp. This makes sense.